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Happy Easter! While You Were Hunting Chocolate…

8 Apr

Forgive the two-day hiatus. We don’t observe Easter at The Scrawn, but we’ll sure as hell take the days off.

This weekend, repeat offender Daily Mail did what it does best: remind you that you cannot afford a personal trainer. Splashed across its homepage are various headlines accompanied by pictures of women in bikinis. The Daily Mail writers had to put in a double-shift to make these pieces came across as legitimate news stories.

Here, the Daily Mail reports on model Kate Upton’s provocative bunny video for The Love Magazine.

When Brooklyn Decker revealed the details of her romance with husband Andy Roddick, the Daily Mail drew us in with this picture.

Apparently, when successful film producer Rita Rusic sports a bikini in Miami Beach, it’s for the sole purpose of pleasing her much younger fiancé. Quoth the Daily Mail: “She showed off an enviable figure for her age…”


Jennifer Ellison: glamour model, Dancing on Ice contestant, and, because the Daily Mail won’t let it die, mother of two.

And finally, the Daily Mail snagged as many production stills as it could from Nicki Minaj’s latest video. Most notable among them was the one where she wears next to nothing while her collaborator, rapper 2 Chainz, remains fully clothed.

Photos: The Love Magazine, Optic Photos, Flynet Pictures, Xposure Photos, Universal Music

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Keira Knightley Covers Up for Media

5 Apr

Probably because she was sick of being called “too thin,” Keira Knightley showed up at a London restaurant channelling the Olson twins.

The Daily Mail hired two whole journalists to cover this outrageous stunt in a 400-word rant. It can be more or less summed up with: “Aw, come on!”

Source: Daily Mail

Writers: Sara Nathan, Kirsty McCormack

Photo: Big Pictures Photo

Slow News Day: Elijah Wood Edition

4 Apr

When celebrities eat pizza, it usurps things like casualties of the Texas tornadoes.

Source: Just Jared

Photo: AKM/GSI

Pot Calls Kettle Black: Giuliana vs. LeAnn

2 Apr

This isn’t exactly news, but it bears repeating. Last year, Giuliana Rancic told the HuffPo that LeAnn Rimes looked “a little thin.”

In a most appropriate response, Rimes invited Rancic to talk it out over lunch. Rancic, on a strict no-solid-food diet, preferred to settle the matter over drinks.

Can't we all just get along?

Now they’re BFFs.

Source: The Huffington Post

Photo: Getty Images

Stripes & Christina Aguilera: The Untold Story

2 Apr

It’s a good thing the blog this comes from is called The Superficial, otherwise there might be some confusion.

I can’t tell which is worse: That this piece commends Aguilera for wearing horizontal stripes now that she’s “noticeably smaller,” or that her weight gain causes Adam Levine to sleep “in fear each night that he’ll wake up discovering a new definition of pain and suffering as he’s slowly digested over thousands of years.” Regardless of her weight, one commenter still finds her “porkable.”

The Superficial likes to cover this kind of story from every angle, so they made sure the slideshow featured 22 whole photos of Aguilera’s striped dress.

Because at the end of the day, how dare she?

Source: The Superficial

Photo: Getty Images

Mischa Shows Off her Post-Cheeseburger Bod

2 Apr

Mischa is another poor celeb the gossipers won’t leave alone. She’s either too fat or too skinny. She’s never just fine.

In this photo, she looks alright, but The Hollywood Gossip won’t let it be. They suggest that while she’s not as thin as before, it must be because she’s eating unhealthy food instead of, y’know, eating at all.

Source: The Hollywood Gossip

Photo: Wenn

Pot Calls Kettle Black: Jordan vs. Posh

1 Apr

When former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham told Harper’s Bazaar that she “stands for the general public” when it comes to her fashion sense, glamour model Katie “Everywoman” Price called her delusional.

“And if she had read the papers this week she would know that the general public like eating pasties and the average British woman is a size 16,” Price said. “They can’t afford Posh’s £1,000 dresses let alone fit into them.”

They're just like us, these ladies. See that hand bag? You can get one too if you use The Secret's visualization techniques.

You know what else average women can’t afford, Katie? Multiple breast enhancements, rhinoplasty, lip injections, 5 nannies, 2 personal trainers and replacing their $5,000 hair extensions with more $5,000 hair extensions.

Source: Daily Mail

Writer: Kimberly Dadds

Photos: Big Pictures Photo, Flynet Pictures