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Eat Christina’s Short Shorts

10 May

The Daily Mail isn’t in the business of giving Christina Aguilera a break. Thankfully, The Scrawn won’t let the Daily Mail’s irresponsible reporting go unnoticed.

Here, the rag proves that it can’t make up its mind when it comes to women’s bodies. What’s the difference between “flaunting your curves” and “making a spectacle of yourself?” Apparently, the mean is Christina.

Source: Daily Mail

Photo: NBC

The Threshold on Curves

14 Apr

Let’s get something straight. The Daily Mail “likes” “curves” (wrap your mind around those quotation marks). But there’s a bloody limit! How dare actress Natalie Cassidy wear form-fitting “skinny” jeans that aren’t black?

To be perfectly fair, the Daily Mail doesn’t actually call her “fat.” But they strongly imply it by saying that Cassidy “squeezes herself into a pair of tight-fighting bottoms,” that they accentuate her “larger bottom,” and that her “ill-advised” jeans did “little to complement her figure.”

Their advice to Cassidy? “Natalie should have attempted to dress up her figure a little.” In other words, wear a potato sack until she’s presentable.

Source: Daily Mail

Writer: Daily Mail Reporter

Photo: Splash News

Matthew Rutler Likes Big Boobs, And He Cannot Lie

10 Apr

By Hollywood standards, a man like Matthew Rutler deserves a golden shrine and a cult of followers. According to Us Magazine, Christina Aguilera’s boyfriend loves her, lock, stock and barrel.

“I love my body. My boyfriend loooooves my body. My son is healthy and happy, so that’s all that matters to me,” Lady Aguilera told Marie Claire magazine.

To remind us why this merits any mention at all, Us treats us to a whole slideshow on Aguilera’s body, from her itty-bitty teenage frame to her voluptuous adult figure. They tell us it’s her “Body Evolution,” but it might as well be called “From Skinny to Not in 13 Photos.”

Source: Us Magazine

Photos: Getty Images

“Chubby Cheeks” Cole-No-More

9 Apr

Since Cheryl dropped the “Cole” from her name and officially declared independence, the English tabs have been waiting for her to mess up. The Daily Mail thinks they nabbed her with a photo taken from a strange angle, which suggests she has a “rounder face.”

The headline also promises a “fuller figure,” but that comes into question when you actually take a look at the photos.

Either I’m too far-sighted to see the difference between the “before” and “after” shots, or writer Simon Neville’s standards for skinny are extraordinarily high.

This is what Cheryl looks like when she gives fat face.

Source: Daily Mail

Writer: Simon Neville

Photos: Xposure Photos, Flynet Pictures

Khloe Kardashian Talks Sense, Kris Jenner Should Shut Up

5 Apr

In the next Cosmopolitan issue, cover girl Khloe Kardashian dishes on her mother’s inconsistent expectations regarding her weight.

During an episode of Khloe & Lamar, Kris chided Khloe for not keeping her weight in check. In response, Khloe told her mother to fuck right off in a more elegant way than usual.

“To tell me I’m ruining a whole brand because of my weight gain makes me feel like shit,” she said. “Get over yourself. You’re such a fucking raging lunatic and you’re so evil. I’m too fucking fat, too fucking fat. Do you want me to get pregnant? Do you want me to lose weight? You tell me you want me to have a baby every second, but I can’t be on some crazy diet. I just don’t get what you want out of me!”

Sadly, Kris’s behaviour is as erratic as the media’s.

Source: Radar Online

Photo: Wenn & Cospopolitan

Slow News Day: Elijah Wood Edition

4 Apr

When celebrities eat pizza, it usurps things like casualties of the Texas tornadoes.

Source: Just Jared

Photo: AKM/GSI

Much Ado About Lauren’s Legs

4 Apr

In the latest issue of Glamour magazine, Lauren Conrad models swimwear and shows some leg for the first time since having her cellulite splashed all over the Internet. “A couple years ago someone zoomed in on my cellulite and it was so mean,” she tells the magazine. “I took it really personally. I haven’t worn a bathing suit in L.A. in years because of that.”

Without an ounce of irony, some of the same blogs are now reporting on this Glamour coverage.

Source: Posh24

Photo: Stella Pictures

Christina Aguilera Doesn’t Go To Restaurants Naked

4 Apr

Perhaps to make sure Christina Aguilera is not straying from her quest to please the media with an acceptable body, the Daily Mail followed her to a restaurant. There, they noted, she not only ate real food, she also wore a dress that suited her shapely physique.

Because it’s astonishing that a fatty can look good in clothing, critical reporter Andrea Magrath made it a point to demonstrate that Aguilera’s frock “was more alluring than it seemed at first glance.” Adding that, “the two-tone dress created a flattering silhouette for the curvy star.”

Keeping track of Aguilera’s progress, the Daily Mail duly posted pictures that clearly mark the singer’s weight loss. Indictment or encouragement? History will decide.

Source: Daily Mail

Author: Andrea Magrath

Photos: Splash News, Xposure Photos

***

UPDATE: It seems the Daily Mail weren’t the only ones stalking Christina. Cele|Bitchy were also on the scene and dug a little deeper into the story:

“…Christina is looking SO MUCH better, right? She’s lost a little weight, she bought a new dress that fits (sort of), she decided to wear some ‘foundation garments’ (Spanx), and her hair and makeup is notably improved. Of course, her boobs are still kind of out of control, but isn’t it nice to see them harnessed in and supported? Is this the start of a whole new Christina? I will be very happy if her days as a hot mess are over.”

Post-Paparazzi Dieting

3 Apr

Leave it to the UK’s Daily Mail to reliably report on an inexperienced TV star’s weight struggles. Insisting she’s only a size 12 (and looking perfectly good, at that), The Only Way Is Essex‘s Lauren Goodger has revealed plans to go on a drastic diet after uncomplimentary photos of her holiday in some sunny location surfaced.

Goodger has said she’s considering the Cambridge Weight Plan, a crash diet that induces rapid weight loss because of extremely low-calorie intake.

In other words, she’ll gain it all back once she’s reached her “photogenic” weight.

Source: Daily Mail

Author: J J Anisiobi

Photo: Flynet

Slow News Day: Kim Kardashian Edition

3 Apr

When no celebrities have died or been charged on a DUI, gossipers need to validate their readership with the illusion that something is actually going on. The common go-to solution? Kim Kardashian’s butt.

At a first glance, you might see this as a celebration of Kim K’s curvaceous derrière, but when The Superficial describes it as “a black hole for your eyes,” it’s difficult to decode the author’s intent.

TMZ is all over this story too. They even paid a video editor to splice together 84 seconds’ worth of cheap graphics, blurred footage, and brilliant soundbites like “Kim’s ass is huge” and “Oh wait, that’s Kourtney’s pregnant stomach; gross.” They might as well have given Kim’s butt its own jingle.

Actual quote: “They’re about the same size. Baby bump and butt.”

Sources: The Superficial, TMZ

Photo: Flynet